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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna
d-e-a-d-ly
Source: l-isan

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I was 176
When the high school health department
called my mother and said my weight was approaching dangerous waters
And hence the sugar liquids
that flooded my shelves
wiped out themselves
but what couldn’t be washed away
was my will to health

I was 160
When I maxed out my gym membership
I had dates with the treadmill more than my trainer had arranged
I logged in kale, wheat wraps and 1400 calories max
I was happy that putting on jeans weren’t as burdensome anymore

I was 140
When I officially announced to my family that I could give away my old jeans
I could now shop at F21 and Urban Outfitters
I didn’t feel so out of place in school anymore

I was 135
When Cheerleader Clarissa asked me how I did it
I said Burpees and Boiled chicken breast
Daniel, the cute one, asked me to text him the homework after school
I remember my first time running 5 miles and having nothing but water that day
When I got invited me to the pool party

I was 130
And I was 130 for a very long time
I ran, jogged, sprinted and cried
but the number still would not go down

I was 122
When chew n spit became my anthem
And my face got way too close to toilets
My face paled my stomach grumbled
But my thigh gap and bikini bridge for the summer couldn’t wait;
appetite could

I was 115
When Daniel ignored me in the hallways
“Maybe if I lost another 10 pound he would start talking to me again”
Some days I chewed gum for hours
And when the clock strikes 3 in the morning, when I cannot take it anymore, I binge on three kit Kats and then try to get the devil out of me with a toothbrush.

I was 103
When I fainted during morning assembly
I heard Cheerleader Carrisa snicker before I blacked out
She’s still weird and ugly
There could only be one reason
why I was still far from beautiful
My appetite was still too big
3 digits are 3 digits too big


I was 96
When the high school health department
called my mother and said my weight was approaching dangerous waters
And hence the sugar liquids
that used to flood my shelves
rearranged themselves back in line
but what couldn’t be washed away
was my will out of health

The Numbers Not Just In Math || Written by Ashley (via spilling-breakers)
Source: spilling-breakers
shardsofsaturn

I deleted all the messages you sent me, but your contact is still in my phone.

I know we never really got to know each other, but I told you stuff about the remnants of my mind that not even my closest friends know.

I’m sorry I fucked everything up and I’m sorry for being a burden but I’m also sick of apologizing when I’m the one who can barely remember how to breath.

Maybe I’m still clinging to you because you were the only one who was there for me at midnight when the rest of the people in my life were passed out from laughing too hard.

Even though I’ve never heard your voice I can’t help but smile when I think of all the bullshit you told me to get me by.

I know I must be getting bad again because I can’t help thinking of our conversations that we had while you were high and I was so much lower than just six feet underground.

I know I should unfollow you and delete you out if my life for good but I can’t help thinking of what would happen if I were to text you someday so we could go back to before shit ruined us both.

We’re both different people now. I need to move on, and I need to let go. I have to stop living in the past if I want any chance at a future, and I need to stop clinging to the hope that you gave me; I’m capable of hoping for myself.

e.e.h. - You have an addictive personality and tonight I’m suffering from withdrawal. (via unraveling-poetically)
Source: unraveling-poetically

It literally makes me cry when I watch shows with people who eat to feel loved, or to comfort them, or to punish them self’s. I know how hard it is for them,I lived with my grandma most my life who ate because it was love to her. My dads overweight because he was taught not to waste food. And I count calories to try and keep myself from getting over weight, because it killed me and still does kill me to see people I love or even people I don’t know go through the things that happen when your over weight. The stares, the comments, the pains, the sickness, the heart problems, the knee problems. Growing up I was told not to get over weight because its not fun, whenever I couldnt finish my food they congratulate me on how I can tell when I’m full and how I know when to stop. I was told when I wanted to be a ballerina, and a model that models, and ballerinas aren’t fat. I gained a few pounds this year from being depressed and not caring anymore and I got comments from one of my parents saying how I’m getting a stomach, and how my butt is big now. It started to send me back to not wanting to eat, and to counting calories, and to checking everything I eat to see what’s all in it and how many calories it has in it and how big the servings are. I see people who are over weight who believe that no one will love them and it breaks my heart. I just wish no one had to go through that, that no matter what size people didn’t comment on other peoples sizes big or small. That people would just love each other for what’s inside.

I was at my lowest, I was having anxiety, and depression so much I couldnt sleep or eat, or think clearly. And that was the time you chose to shut me out and stop being my friend, and start kicking me while I was down. I’ve done things that ya I probably shouldn’t have, and ya I was probably over reacting, but I would have never chose someone who put down my friend over you. In fact I have chosen you over someone who would say you were a horrible person. because I loved you more, and would never be around people who put down the people I love.

#personal

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